Midwife appointment.. Fail.
Originally we had booked to have my first appointment last Tuesday after an antenatal class she was attending in town. The antenatal class ended up being cancelled that week so we rescheduled for the Friday at my house. I spent half the day cleaning the whole house to make it all nice and pretty for the appointment, then i also baked some banana bread to share. She ended up having to postpone at last minute because her 1 year old baby was a bit sick and she wanted to keep her at home to sleep. That’s fine, and totally understandable. Of course i was slightly dissapointed as i’d been looking forward to the appointment for a while.. but i understood.
She ended up suggesting Wednesday 1:30pm (today) to come over and have our first official appointment. Of course i spent the whole morning vacuuming and tidying the whole house again, and was super excited to *finally* have a proper appointment. I wrote out all my questions for her and got my mum to babysit while i spent the morning getting all of this done. 1:45 passes and still no midwife.. 45 more minutes and still no sign so i start to doubt that she’s coming and text her asking if somethings come up. She calls and i miss the phone but she left a message saying that she accidently wrote it in her diary for the following Wednesday and she sounded really sorry about it all.
I’ve basically been a hormonal mess this afternoon. I feel totally alone and just so badly need some kind of professional support. Someone to talk me through things and reassure me. I’ve mentioned before that before i chose to have a homebirth i called the hospital numerous times to try to get in and let them know i’m going to be birthing there in Sept. I never heard back from them.. Not even once. I know people care but it’s hard to not feel totally alone and like no one *really* cares about this baby. That’s what i wanted so bad with hiring a private midwife, was to feel loved and supported and to build a solid relationship with my care giver.
I ended up having a mild panic attack and pretty much deciding that “fuck it” i’m going to just have this baby in the freakin’ hospital. I feel like there has been so many signs to not have a homebirth, but that maybe i’ve been ignoring them for what i really want.
But i don’t even know what i really want, I totally feel like i’m at square one again, at almost 21 weeks pregnant. I haven’t been able to really even stop and enjoy this pregnancy because i’ve been so focused on things surrounding the birth.