Relationship breakdown

I am home. Home with two children, Tori Amos playing, a bowl of watermelon, and no partner.

It feels like there is massive hole in my stomach. Like I might seriously die of loneliness. But I will be ok. I know I’ll pull through and everything will turn out ok. But how I am going to parent 2 children by myself, I don’t know the answer to that one quite yet.

There is no hate between me a lewis. We hugged and “I love you” goodbye’d.. Plus tears on my part. He is a great dad and so committed to our children. He is still there for me. We still love each other just as much as before. I know I don’t need to feel so alone, but for now, it really really hurts. I haven’t been by myself in 7+ years.

My heart aches and my head hurts. My relationship with lewis is over.

Only about 2 inches shorter than what i originally went in for. I hate it.

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Only about 2 inches shorter than what i originally went in for. I hate it.

I got my hair cut off. He cut it so short and im really sad. I don’t regret getting it cut, but I regret saying yes after he persuaded me to go shorter because of my face shape. I love having hair hanging around my face and neck so now I feel terribly exposed and the style of cut is so not me. Atleast 3 months of feeling awkward with crappy hair :(

My winged cherubs

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My winged cherubs

I actually had to get Lewis to remove her before I died from cuteness overload.

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I actually had to get Lewis to remove her before I died from cuteness overload.

Recently

We’re currently house sitting for my sister in brisbane for 4 weeks, hence my lack of posting and keeping up to date with what is going on in all your lives! Going to try and catch up tonight :)

We’ve been so busy since being here, it’s so hard to find time to write. I’ve been feeling really stressed to be honest, and trying to get in to the swing of things in our lives here.

Lewis had his vasectomy this morning! Crazy times. It definitely feels weird. Like, I know for sure that I’m so very content with two children.. Its more knowing that he’s pretty much sterile now (apparently it takes four months to be 100% and then he’ll have to get a sperm count).. I dunno, it just feels odd. I’m sure I’ll come to terms with it shortly though. He says it feels like he’s been kicked in the balls, poor dude. Ice packs to the crotch every hour.

I’ve been eating really badly again, which always happens when I feel stressed. So now I feel stressed and sort of sad. I’ll be ok though. We found a local organic store and I stocked up on all my healthy things.. Time to take care of myself!

Astrid is doing really well but her day naps have been terrible since we arrived here and she’s so grumpy towards the end of the day. Sometimes I’m convinced she’s the angriest baby on the planet, Haha. She screams now every time she sees me walk past her and she will sit by herself for a maximum of 10 mins before cracking it. It adds to my stress a bit and it’s quite hard to get stuff done as she also hates the carrier. This too shall pass through, and I’m just doing my best at remaining calm and being there for her. I’ve seen that quote going around saying something along the lines of - it seems hard now but much to your surprise you will miss these days. - I know I’m going to miss having small children once they’re older. I can already feel it. I’m going to miss having a baby on my hip while making dinner *while* having a 3 year old talking at me non stop. It’s really friggin hard, but I’ll miss it, I know.

Anonymous:
I find it odd for a little boy, and yet I am used to it as it is a cultural tradition for us with little girls. So much so that your Pediatrician does it for you after your baby is born.. I didn't even know it was a thing until I started having more american friends. Sorta the same with jewelry on children, people tend to look at Latinos weird when they put bracelets/anklets on babies and yet it's more of a cultural tradition for specific reasons.

Thanks for your message! To me it really feels like the reason people get their baby girls ears pierced is more to do with forcing “prettiness” and “girlyness” onto them. Like, heaven forbid someone mistakes them for a boy. Obviously I know this isn’t the case for everyones reasoning. I know a lot of people say that they prefer to do it while they’re little and won’t remember, because they figure they will be asking for their ears pierced in a few years anyway.

That’s a really good point about babies from different cultures wearing jewellery too. I guess it does seem a lot different and unusual to us.. And can also be seen as a way of trying to add to their prettiness.. But at the same time I feel accepting of it because it’s not physically harming them or causing permanent scars without their consent.

So irrationally angry that im posting this on tumblr

My cousin got her 6 month old baby boys ears pierced.

Both of them.

6 months old.

She did the same when her daughters were babies and I just never understood. You guys know im the last person to go on about gender roles but you have to admit there is a much bigger chance of a little boy wishing he was able to make that decision more than a little girl might.

I just. It’s just so wrong. I seriously get all sad and nervous when I imagine doing that to Astrid. I could never. Maybe I’m just too soft? That poor little baby. She is a friggin great mum, but this is something I will never understand.

Future home

After months of organising and stress, someone bought lewis’s mums house! She passed away in 2012. It has to be divided by 4 siblings but it’s still a nice chunk of money that we plan to use as a house/land deposit.

She died from falling down a flight of incredibly unsafe, illegal stairs. We’re currently in the journey of filing for compensation, although it is a very long, drawn out process. Things are slowly rolling though.

The past 2 years have been terrible on lewis and his siblings. His father also passed away in 2012, a few months before his mum, from completely unrelated things. Life is tough sometimes.